The Big Bang Theory: The Priya Engagement - Act I
by jfrankliniv
Summary: The gang arrives in India for Priya's wedding. Sheldon is terrified of germs, Howard wants only to have some alone time with Bernadette, Raj is drinking nonstop, the girls are busily planning, and Leonard is clueless to the romantic triangle unfolding around him. Put more simply, it's pretty much what you'd expect...


THE PRIYA ENGAGEMENT

ACT I

_SCENE: PENNY's apartment. AMY and BERNADETTE are with her drinking wine. PENNY is still holding up a copy of the _Kama Sutra.

AMY: I've said this before, this woman cannot be trusted. Her culture wrote this book centuries ago. You can only imagine what improvements and updates they've probably made that have yet to reach western publishing!

PENNY: (Turns book sideways) I'm still not too sure about this one. (_Turns book right-side up again. AMY reaches over and turns book upside down._) Oh, that's better. (_Pauses) _Oh, my GOD!

AMY: (To Bernadette) This may call for something stronger than wine.

BERNADETTE: Penny, don't you think you can trust Leonard? You know he's always been crazy about you. If Priya's getting married, I would think you should be happy that she'll no longer be potential rival. (_AMY turns the book toward her. BERNADETTE's eyes widen.) _Oh, my GOD!

AMY: (Nodding) And that's just on page twelve!

BERNADETTE: (To PENNY) You have to go! You can't leave him alone with that bitch!

PENNY: Okay, let's all hold on a second. I'm not happy about this, but I trust Leonard, I know he's not going to do anything.

AMY: But doesn't it bother you that all of us have been invited while you've been deliberately excluded?

PENNY: (Thinks) Okay, you're right. I need to be there just to piss that bitch off. (_Thinks again_) But how in the world am I going to afford to go to India? They don't exactly pay out travel bonuses at the Cheesecake Factory!

BERNADETTE: Well, I make more than Howard, and we're still living with his mother, so I could probably pay for your ticket.

AMY: (Glares at BERNADETTE) You'd like her to be in your debt, wouldn't you?

PENNY: I'm not going to be in anybody's debt. (Hesitates.) I mean, I want to go, but if I can't afford to go, I can't afford to go! (_Despondently pours more wine_.)

AMY: You can't do that. You can't let Priya win. You need to assert yourself and mark your territory like the She-Beast-Goddess you are. (Pauses) And besides, the fact that you're the center of our social universe here makes your presence mandatory or else the team dynamic falls completely apart.

PENNY: (Thinks) But where would I stay? I mean, if they've reserved rooms, it's not like I could rent one without being seen.

BERNADETTE: You could stay with one of us!

AMY: (Glaring at her.) You just can't let it go, can you?

PENNY: (Thinks) Bernadette, that's nice, but I'm sure a ticket a few thousand bucks, so it's not like I could pay you back any time soon.

AMY: Actually, it's several thousands. I Googled it.

PENNY: _Several thousand?!_

AMY: Yes, but you wouldn't have to pay us back. It'd be like our present to you to watch you stick it to Priya as she's walking down the aisle and then sees you there. It would be the perfect femme-fatale revenge moment every woman savors.

BERNADETTE: (Hesitant) I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this scheming. I'm supposed to be the good girl who went to Catholic school!

AMY:(Shows her pages again) She invited your husband.

BERNADETTE: (Eyes widening) That bitch! We need to stick it to her!

PENNY: Wait a second. (Takes book. Stares at picture.) Okay, I'm going!

AMY: (Jumps for joy and applauds.) Yea! Bestie! You can stay with me.

BERNADETTE: Wait a second. What about me?

PENNY: Won't you be with Howard?

BERNADETTE: Oh. That's right. I forgot. (Looks down at the wine.) How many glasses have I had?

AMY: Well, counting the ones we all just had…(Thinks) and the ones from happy hour at the office…about six?

BERNADETTE: Six glasses? I'm only 4-foot 10! I can't hold that much alcohol!

PENNY: Sure you can. (Pours her another glass.) We're scheming, remember? (_Raises glass._)

AMY: Think of it as sacramental wine.

BERNADETTE: Oh, well in that case, okay! (Guzzles)

PENNY: (Raises glass) To sticking it to the bitches who try to stick it to us!

(_Cut to: Image of plane flying across Pacific ocean. Image dissolves into elaborate hotel in India. LEONARD and HOWARD emerge wheeling their suitcases up the short hallway decorated with palm fronds.)_

__LEONARD: I have to admit, I'm impressed. I knew Koothrappali's parents were rich, but I had no idea they could afford a Taj Mahal kind of place like this. (Pauses) You know, in the very same country that gave us the Taj Mahal!

HOWARD: (Looks around admiringly.) Yeah, it's quite a layout. Kinda makes me wonder what the beds are like!

LEONARD: (Unsure) I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why?

HOWARD: Because I've planned a little surprise for Bernadette. (Beams) No pajama bottoms!

LEONARD: (Wrinkles face) Did you really have to tell me that?

HOWARD: I had to! Bernadette's lab project kept her late, so we had to take separate flights. I had to tell somebody!

LEONARD: Oh, that reminds me. Speaking of somebody – _SHELDON?!_

(_Sheldon emerges from the distant end of the hall. He is wearing a surgical mask and elbow-length rubber gloves.) _

LEONARD: C'mon, is that getup really necessary?

SHELDON: (Unperturbed) Mock me all you want, when the rest of you come down with airborne influenza, I'm going to be healthy and fine.

HOWARD: Yeah, well in the future you might want to wait until after we've landed before putting all that on. You scared half the passengers and flight crew coming out of that airplane bathroom like that.

SHELDON: I do not apologize. Being prepared means sanitizing before exposure, not after.

LEONARD: Well, can we sort all this out later? I want to unpack and wash up.

HOWARD: Yeah, me too.

SHELDON: That should be fine. I believe (Checks room numbers) this is my room, that means Howard is over there (points across hall), and Leonard, you're in that room over there (points at room next to Howard's toward rear of hall).

HOWARD: How do you know where we're staying?

SHELDON: It was on Koothrappali's blog.

LEONARD: (Sighs) We really need to find him a girlfriend soon. (Hoists travel bag.) Okay, see you guys for dinner?

HOWARD: Sounds good to me!

SHELDON: Yes, I might as well check in as well. FYI, I brought a water purification test kit if you'd like to borrow it to check your tap water.

LEONARD: I think given the cost of this place, we're probably safe, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Your funeral.

(_They move to their respective rooms. Cut to: Leonard entering and throwing his bag on an enormous bed. He stands in place and slowly circles, marveling at the enormous accommodations and gigantic ceiling fan._)

LEONARD: Wow. Even a geek physicist could get used to this!

(_A knock at the door. Leonard moves to answer it. It is SHELDON.)_

SHELDON: We have to switch rooms.

LEONARD: (Exasperated) What? What's wrong with your room?

SHELDON: There's no "spot."

LEONARD: What makes you think my room has a spot?

SHELDON: I don't know. I'm simply playing the odds. The odds of two rooms lacking one are half what they are of one not having it. (Sighs.) It's simple math, Leonard.

LEONARD: What about Wolowitz's room?

SHELDON: (Shakes head) We already tried switching. His has statues just like the ones Kate Capshaw had in her room in "Temple of Doom." I'm not having a Thuggee snake charmer coming out of a hidden passage to loop a rope around MY neck while I'm in bed tonight.

LEONARD: (Can't believe he's having this conversation) Sheldon, we've been over this. The Thuggee were a fictitious cult. They never existed. There is no Mola Ram; and no one is going to try and kidnap you for a human sacrifice. (Pauses) Although I'm sure that last thought one has probably crossed a few minds at one time or another.

SHELDON: Excuse me! The Thuggee were an actual religious group that Steven Spielberg exaggerated for villainous effect in the movie!

LEONARD: Which makes what you saw FICTION!

SHELDON: (Shakes head) You take that chance with your life, sir. Not mine!

LEONARD: (Exhausted) Sheldon, is this one of those things that I'm either going to have to give into or hear about for the rest of the entire trip?

SHELDON: Quite possibly.

LEONARD: Fine! I'll take your room. Can I just go now? (Grabs bags)

SHELDON: Certainly. (LEONARD passes him.) Oh, and Leonard? If anything should happen, please know that it has been nice knowing you!

LEONARD: (Closing the door and quietly saying to himself) I wish I could say the same!

(_Cut to: The reception area. PRIYA is walking through the tables with her bridesmaid MEENA. RAJ is walking behind them with his laptop open.)_

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: I just don't understand why we have to communicate with this thing. You're here in India now, we should be able to talk face-to-face!

RAJ: (Indignant) I'm not talking to you in person until you recognize that I am a grown man with the right to choose his own future wife!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: We've already done that, and you chose that Jewish boy, Howard!

RAJ: (Aghast) Howard is not my wife! I have a girlfriend back in the States! Her name is Lucy, and she is female!

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Then why haven't we heard of her? (Turns to wife) Why hasn't he told us anything about her? Is he ashamed of his family?

RAJ: No! I'm not ashamed! Lucy and I just have not been dating long enough for her to accompany me to my sister's wedding.

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Rajesh, it's time to end this charade! Your father and I love you for who you are!

RAJ: We are not having this conversation! I am turning off this laptop now! (Closes laptop. Pauses) But I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.

(_Cut to: PRIYA talking with her bridesmaid, MEENA) _

PRIYA: And I think the Aggarwal family should be here, so let's make sure they don't get too much access to the open bar.

MEENA: Are you sure you want to go through with this wedding? (Hushed tone) Sanjit seems like a very nice boy, but all the girls say you had the forbidden fruit while you were in the United States!

PRIYA: (Laughs) Yes, I dated a white boy while I was there, but it was only a temporary thing. Nothing special.

MEENA: Maybe not to you, but for some of us – (Pauses) – the fantasy of the forbidden is all too alluring!

PRIYA: (Hesitant) Um, okay. Let's just focus on the arrangements, now, shall we?

MEENA: Okay! (Takes out pen) Where are we seating your ex-boyfriends' girlfriends?

PRIYA: They're sitting right over here. I want them to have a full view of the bride's table.

MEENA: Ooh. Good vindictive choice. I like it!

PRIYA: (Beams) Thank you!

(_Cut to: Hallway shot. Words "Six Hours Later" appear at bottom of screen. SHELDON and LEONARD emerge walking up the hall toward the camera. Each is wearing a suit jacket and casual slacks. Both are soaked in perspiration.)_

LEONARD: Wow. I tell you, that is the LAST time I ever eat Indian food in India!

SHELDON: I agree. In fact, it may be the last time I eat Indian food, period.

LEONARD: Don't get me wrong, it was good food. But did they have to use so much curry when the temperature is already over a hundred degrees? (Pauses) I mean, they could at least have turned the fans on!

SHELDON: The fans were on. We were the only ones who were sweating.

LEONARD: Not the only ones. (Turns back toward end of hall) Howard!

_(HOWARD enters. His face looks sunburned and he is even more sweat-soaked than SHELDON or LEONARD)_

HOWARD: (Gasping) How do people eat this stuff? It's like all the condiments are made of fire!

LEONARD: You were the one putting all the hot sauce on your food.

HOWARD: (Wipes brow and shakes head) I am not used to this. My people come from a very different European climate. We're not meant for temperatures like this.

SHELDON: Wait a second. Aren't you always bragging about how your people crossed a desert long ago?

HOWARD: (Glares at him) That was thousands of years ago! (Pauses) We've acclimated! I just hope nobody noticed how badly I was sweating! (_Removes suit jacket. He has "pits" all the way down to his waist.)_

LEONARD: Mm, not to worry. I'm sure nobody noticed.

HOWARD: Good to know. I need to go wash up before Bernadette arrives.

SHELDON: Yes, tell me again why we're all here but the women are in a separate part of the hotel.

LEONARD: Different culture, Sheldon. Mr. and Mrs. Koothrappali don't want unmarried couples cohabitating.

HOWARD: But Bernadette and I are married! We should have booked our own room – now she has to bring all her stuff down here! (Wipes brow and forehead again) I'm going to go wash up.

LEONARD: Yeah, I think that's a good idea for all of us.

SHELDON: Anyone want to test his water?

LEONARD: No, let's just go.

HOWARD: Yeah, let's. Besides, I got me some bottomless jammies to put on!

LEONARD: (Pauses) And with that visual, we're done!

_(They enter their separate rooms. Several seconds pass. LEONARD re-enters hall and knocks on SHELDON's door.)_

SHELDON: Changed your mind about the water testing?

LEONARD: No, I can't find my inhaler. Do you have it?

SHELDON: I think you left it on the dashboard of the rental car.

LEONARD: Oh, that's right.

SHELDON: Actually, it wasn't. Watching you use that while trying to drive gave me heart palpitations.

LEONARD: Yeah, well - don't worry about it. See you tomorrow. (Leaves)

SHELDON: Good night!

LEONARD: (Over his shoulder) Good night. (_Exits at top of hallway and turns RIGHT)_

_(Several seconds pass. Slowly we see a female figure peering out from the far end of the hall from the LEFT. It is MEENA. She looks around and nudges behind her.)_

MEENA: Okay, the coast is clear!

(_PRIYA enters wearing a long bathrobe.)_

PRIYA: (Whisper) Thank you, Meena. (_The two being walking up the hall toward the camera.)_

MEENA: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, isn't it cheating on your fiancé?

PRIYA: No, it's not cheating because we're not married yet. This is just me having my one last fling before I tie the knot with a boy my parents arranged.

MEENA: But it seems like cheating!

PRIYA: (Sighs) Look, you remember when we talked about my "forbidden fruit" earlier today?

MEENA: (Smiles) Yes!

PRIYA: Well, Leonard was that fruit, but he had another nickname.

MEENA: What's that?

PRIYA: The King of Foreplay.

MEENA: (Gasps and covers her mouth.) So the stories are true!

PRIYA: Now, remember, don't tell anybody. (Removes robe to reveal negligee and cracks open SHELDON's door which she thinks is LEONARD's. Sound of running water is heard.) He's taking a shower. This is perfect. (_Turns back to MEENA_) I'm going to hide behind his curtains. Now, go!

MEENA: (Starts to turn. Pauses.) I still don't like this! (_Pauses again_) I'm a good girl! I went to Hindu school!

PRIYA: (Watches her go. Turns back to door.) King of Foreplay, get ready to meet the Queen of Flexibility! (_Sneaks inside_)

_(Several seconds pass. A new female head emerges from the same LEFT side of the hallway as before. It is AMY.)_

AMY: Okay, the coast is clear!

(_She and PENNY both enter wearing bathrobes identical to PRIYA's.) _

AMY: (Giggles) I can't believe we're doing this! Bernadette is going to miss all the fun!

PENNY: Well, that's what she gets letting Howard's mother help her pack.

AMY: I know. Four suitcases seemed like a lot to me, too.

PENNY: Okay, are we ready? (Moves to loosen belt on robe) Time for sexy lingerie! One – two – three! (_They both simultaneously remove bathrobes._ _PENNY is wearing a bustier corset. AMY is wearing a floor-length faded pink nightgown) _

AMY: (Looks PENNY up and down) You look amazing!

PENNY: Thanks. (Looks at AMY and shakes head) You know, when we get back home, we're going to have to have a talk about the words "sexy lingerie."

AMY: I know. I can't help it. My mother said this was the nightgown she wore when I was conceived.

PENNY: (Rolls eyes) We're also going to have to talk about TOO MUCH INFORMATION! (_Cracks open SHELDON's door. Water running is heard._) Perfect! He's taking a shower! (_Turns to AMY_) I'm going to hide under the covers! Good luck! (_Goes inside)_

AMY: (Excited) Right! (_Heads to LEONARD's door_ _and pauses to flip her long hair_.) Sheldon Cooper, get ready to have your world rocked like it has never been rocked before! (_Enters room)_

_(Several seconds pause. We hear singing. RAJESH enters with his PARENTS. He is drunk and wrapped in an enormous white tablecloth that drags behind him.) _

RAJ: I don't know why I can't stay with the rest of the family! I'm having a good time!

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: That's because you are intoxicated! You are embarrassing us with your singing AND your gyrations. Oh, and you are naked!

RAJ: Only from my hair down!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Well, you can stay with your American friends until you sober up! Which room is the one with your Jewish boyfriend?

RAJ: (Points to HOWARD's room) That one. But he's not my boyfriend!

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Call him whatever you like, but you need to stay with him a while until you are no longer drunk!

RAJ: But I want to keep talking to Meena!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: (Angry) You can do that when you sober up, And you can start by apologizing to her father for spilling wine all over his shirt! (_They move to HOWARD's door_.) And then you can apologize to the hotel for this nice tablecloth that they will never use again! Now, go on in and lie down!

RAJ: (Resigned) Okay.

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: You just be sure you are awake in time for the ceremony tomorrow!

RAJ: Okay. (Enters dragging tablecloth behind him. MR. KOOTHRAPPALI starts to pull door closed and turns to MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI.)

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: I will never understand that boy! (Closes door on RAJ's tablecloth. He does not notice. He and MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI begin walking back up the hallway.)

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Maybe it was something we did with him when he was a child? Always making him play with Priya and her girlfriends? (They exit)

(_Several seconds pass. LEONARD reappears whistling. He enters his room and closes the door. We see the hallway for several more seconds. Suddenly, screams are heard from all rooms. Cut to commercial)_

11


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